Sperm Shortage, Supreme Court, Miss Delaware, Showboat Casino [Scrapple TV News]
From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in downtown Philadelphia; I’m AP Ticker and this is my penance for a liberal arts degree.
We begin with a sperm shortage in Great Britain where reserves are completely drained. The emergency has forced fertility clinics to accept poorer quality semen from common Cockneys and Paupers. “Peevish Wibbly” is what they call baby batter in Merry Ol’ England; like “Tube” instead of subway… I just love those accents.
Meanwhile here at home, The Supreme Court has ruled that cell phones cannot be searched without a warrant. Finally a legal argument for dudes with suspicious girlfriends. Next time she asks to read your texts, read her your rights instead.
Speaking of losing arguments to women, 2014 Miss Delaware is being stripped of her crown because she’s too old.
The former pageant contestant will now be vaporized and reborn in the ritual of “carousel”
Ya know, I remember when I won Miss Delaware, I shrieked in delight and giggled when the runner-up casts shade my way.
In other old-whore gossip, Atlantic City’s Showboat Casino is closing and gambling is in decline. The beleaguered shore town appears doomed to a phlegmy, syphilitic death… Just the way she would have wanted to go.
If you thought the Boardwalk Empire was a rough beach town, try living in Hawaii. There a woman adopted a helpless shelter dog only to sell it on Craigslist an hour later. That must be the saddest “missed connection” post of all time.
In sports news, North Carolina’s “Sexy Schoolgirl 5k” has been cancelled due to its insensitive nature. As of this recording, the Ku Klux Klan half-marathon will proceed as scheduled.
In an unrelated sports story, with a shitty segway, Philadelphia Flyers’ captain and part-time imbecile, Claude Giroux was arrested in Ottowa, Canada last Monday for grabbing the buttocks of a male police officer in a bar. Seeing how it was Canada Day, and Canadians respect tolerance, patience , not overreacting to drunken shenanigans with insane levels of physical violence… (and also an apparent healthy appetite for “back bacon”), Giroux was released the following morning without charges being filed against him. Sources close to my pants, assure me he will be back in Philadelphia for the Independence Day weekend, just in time to get a handful of Philadelphia Police Commissioner Ramsey’s ample “scrapple”.
I’ve never been a fan of physical labor, I’m proud of these uncalloused hands, but even I can’t help working up a sweat occasionally. I stay hydrated with Philadelphia Brewing Company’s, Kenzinger Beer. That gold medal brew will have you slam dunking touchdowns in no time. Kenzinger Beer; Part of a complete and balanced breakfast.
Well, that’s all for Scrapple News, I remain AP Ticker; Professional sperm wrangler and Margaret Thatcher look-alike.
Scrapple TV News — Week of July 7th, 2014.
Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller
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