AP Ticker’s SCRAPPLE NEWS: Santa’s Naughty List
Hello-ho-ho there news fans. Reporting live from the Scrapple News office here at the North Pole, I’m AP Santa, and this is Scrapple News.
Here are two quick ways to end up on Santa’s naughty list: commit insurance fraud, and be too stupid to know if you’re being videotaped in the process. Six local men and women were arrested this week stemming from a reported bus incident back in 2010. That night a woman riding a 56 bus “fell over” and “injured” herself. Weeks later, the woman and six other supposed passengers filed injury claims against SEPTA. The problem is only one of the women and one man were actually on the bus when the incident happened. And neither appeared injured or sought medical attention. How do we know this? The eight cameras covering multiple angles throughout the bus show us. All six are now under arrest and awaiting charges. Happy holidays, idiots.
In a related story, According to the Scrapple Bureau of Arbitrary facts and statistics….did you know that insurance companies spend more on ADVERTISING about insurance fraud….than actual fraud occurs.
In sports news, our fair city hosted the annual Army/Navy game this week. The inevitable winner? …America
It’s been a sad week for music lovers everywhere. Jazz legend and musical innovator Dave Brubeck died of heart failure just one day shy of his ninety-second birthday. The composer and pianist was best known for his use of uncommon time signatures. So thanks for freeing us from the oppression of four-four Mr. Brubeck, and thanks for the tunes.
It’s time for our annual Christmas poem, sing along if you know the words!
Oh Christmas piggie with your smug little snout,
your greedy fat fingers and prep school trained pout,
You steal from the working, the sick and the poor,
You feast on our souls and then rob us some more,
Alone in your filth, you sit like a king,
Whilst millions around you, feel hunger’s sharp sting,
You pussified, dandified, doddering, dope,
We’d hang you right now, but we can’t afford rope,
So Christmas piggie, as I bid you adieu
Some friendly advice I will offer to you,
Give workers fair wages for an honest days toil,
Make sure that your products don’t kill the soil,
You’ll sleep much better in your fine Christmas bed,
Because if you don’t, it’s off with your head!!!!
From all of us, To all of youse,
Merry Christmas from Scrapple News!
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