Pope Francis, Airbnb, Philly Jesus, Bruce Springsteen [Scrapple TV]
From high atop the scrapple news tower in downtown philadelphia; I’m AP Ticker and this is a thanksgiving day feast for your funny bone.
Drop your cocks and grab your socks!!! ….The Pope is Coming to America! Everyone’s favorite sypher of god is making the pilgrimage to philadelphia.
This pope is a controversial rock star in a funny hat and people love him for it.
Why just last week the Big Frank acknowledged that evolution is real, and God isn’t “a magician with a magic wand,” unintentionally making it sound like Harry Potter could kick diamond J’s ass in a dark arts showdown.
So, Philadelphians, time to start getting your Air B and B profile set up. Pope Franny is expected to be greeted by 2 million fanatic Italian grandmothers from all over the USA. And they’re gonna need a place to crash.
Having the Lord’s spokesman come to Philly is redundant because… Jesus is already here!
Michael Grant, aka “Philly Jesus,” was arrested last week while “walking on water” – aka ice skating at Dilworth Plaza.
Philly Jesus was charged with solicitation and cavorting with prostitutes. Not unlike the real jesus who was also just a homeless guy panhandling in the park.
Hopefully this arrest doesn’t result in another crucifixion.
Speaking of persecution, a 90 year old Florida man is on trial for feeding the homeless. This is his third such violation but the old timer with the big ticker can’t help but help out.
Only in america could a sandwich be considered a weapon.
The one thing that kills more fat people than bacon are auto accidents.
That’s why car companies have begun using 270 pound crash test dummies. Scientists believe these portly passengers better represent the public. Here in bovine America, even fake people are overweight.
It must be a glandular problem.
In other news about fatties; James Gandolfini was inducted into the “New Jersey Hall of Fame” this week, along with gum chewing, urban sprawl, an inferiority complex, and a guy who yelled “Fuck dem Yankees” at a bar in Manhattan one time.
Did someone say “NJ royalty”… A lucky fan paid $300,000 to eat a lasagna dinner at Bruce Springsteen’s house. Springsteen didn’t really needs the money but hates to throw out food.
No such thing as a leftover on E Street.
If you’re looking to some zest in your limp noodle, might I suggest a refreshing bottle of Kenzinger Beer. This primo taste from Philadelphia Brewing Company will make your mustache thicker no matter your gender. It’s too late to live a better life, but at least you can drink away your regrets.
That does it for this week’s scrapple news. As always I remain AP Ticker, The holiest man burning in hell.
Scrapple TV News week of November 17, 2014
Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller
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