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Penis Transplant, FEMA, Global Warming, California Drought, [Scrapple TV News]

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Scrapple TV News

From high atop the misty mountains of Philadelphia, it is I, the unquestioned master of disaster, the shining light of truth in a smog choked world, I sting like a butterfly and float like a bee, your humble narrator of news, AP Ticker.

Starting next year, FEMA will deny disaster funds to states that deny climate change. Basically, your safety now hinges on whether your Governor believes ever-increasing natural disasters are the result of human excess, or God throwing a temper tantrum. In either case, I’ll be vacationing in my fallout shelter; neither God nor Mother Nature can get me there.

Not that a fallout shelter’s gonna help me too much. The gulf stream current, which keeps us warm in North America- is slowing faster than ever before, thanks to global warming, which is melting polar ice caps at an alarming rate.

As the ice melts, the ocean gets less dense, disturbing the gulf stream’s normal flow. Scientists say it could shut down in as little as a few years if this continues… and the average temperature in North America will drop by 5 degrees fahrenheit. But, hey the Coors Lite will be SUPER cold.

Speaking of disaster, recent studies suggest that California may have as little as one year’s supply of water left in it’s reservoirs. This could mean trouble for farmers across the state. And while 94% of Californians agree the issue is serious, only one third support mandatory water rationing. The other two thirds think their diet of avocados, kale, and whatever the hell “almond milk” is, should remain unaffected.

It could also mean trouble for marijuana smokers everywhere.. so Kentucky, get off your ass and legalize it already!

In local news,Mayoral candidate Tony Williams is owned by the charter school industry and is married to the gas industry. His campaign manager, Dawn Chavous, used to work for the Students First PAC, which gave Williams more than $100 thousand. Students First in turn is run by the Susquehanna International Group, which has given Williams even more: $5 million dollars. Meanwhile his wife makes more than $100 grand annually as a lobbyist for the Marcellus Shale Coalition, a pro-fracking group. Williams and his wife deny that they even talk about this issue ever… but it’s worth noting his campaign slogan is “a chicken in every pot, and a gas well in every charter school.”

Finally some good news, last week In South Africa, doctors at Stellenbosch University have successfuly performed the worlds first penis transplant. As of this writing, hordes of rich white guys have formed lines miles long to get a chance to switch out their tiny pink dingus’s.

Boy, all this tiny pecker talk is sure making me thirsty. I’m going to wash out all my dark thoughts with the uncommonly crisp elixirs from the Philadelphia Brewing Company. Heavens! This is some tasty shit! Try a Kenzinger today! Also known as The President of Beers!

Thats all the news today folks, lets pour one out for our beloved Scrapple TV family member Joe Walker. Adios Joe, Ta Ta For Now.

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito, Tim Kelly
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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