PA Porngate Scandal, McDonalds, People’s Climate March, E-Cigarettes [Scrapple TV News]
From high atop the scrapple news tower in downtown philadelphia; I’m AP Ticker and this is garbage you forgot to separate from the recycling.
We begin tonight with Pennsylvania’s “adult situation” – I’m talking about Porngate… no, it’s not the latest tube site or a fancy kama sutra position you’ve never heard of. It’s a scandal involving Governor Corbett’s aides and a cache of dirty videos.
If Richard Nixon taught us anything, it’s to always clear your browser history.
Speaking of phallic dangers… Philly residents beware: a five-foot albino Boa Constrictor is on the loose. Keep an eye out while avoiding reckless motorists, desperate junkies, and drunken college kids.
Come to think of it, a giant snake is probably the least threatening thing in South Philly now-a-days.
In California a couple is under arrest for shooting up a McDonald’s after employees forgot to include packets of ketchup in their order. Have you ever tried to get a second sippy container of sweet n’ sour?
You’d have to strap a bomb to your chest.
In other fast food news, Burger King Japan has introduced the “Black Burger.” The color comes from bamboo charcoal buns, squid ink sauce, and Mecha Godzilla-milk cheese.
Looks the same going in as it does coming out!
We can’t kill these cows fast enough. Back here in Pennsy, central state residents are choking to death on cattle farts. Thankfully; new chemical-farming techniques will alter the foul odor to a more pleasing fishy smell instead.
Did someone say abomination of man….?
China has invented glow-in-the-dark piglets by injecting swine with jellyfish DNA… and we here at Scrapple TV couldn’t be happier. Eating bacon in the dark has never been this easy!
Back here in the USA, thousands of activists migrated to NYC for the Global Climate Change protest.
“I drove all the way from Florida to be here,” said one guy who didn’t really get it.
Speaking of ironic ironies… Tobacco companies have published dire warnings about the dangers of e-smoking. In addition to being bad for your health, it looks like you’re sucking a robot penis. Side effects may include spontaneous neck beard and fedora growth.
If you want to kill yourself slowly, but you wanna look cool while you do it, allow me to suggest Newbold IPA. The tastiest new poison from the death merchants at Philadelphia Brewing Company. Tastier than swallowing a bullet!
Well that does it for the news. I remain AP Ticker; chief engineer of the world’s longest love train.
Scrapple TV News week of October 6, 2014
Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller
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