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Orange is the New Black, Weed Revenue, Armored Police Vehicles, School Shootings [Scrapple TV News]

Screen Shot 2014-06-18 at 10.12.10 PM

 

From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in downtown Philadelphia; I’m AP Ticker filling in for AP Ticker who has the night off.

 

According to an NPR survey; 19% of Americans believe George Bush was behind 9/11. 25% believe the recession was caused by a cadre of Wall Street bankers. 11% believe florescent light bulbs brainwash people… And 99.99% of Americans didn’t complete the survey.

 

If you like math and I know I do, Colorado is reporting 19 million dollars in marijuana revenue over the last three months. $1.9 Million will go to Schools and officials hope to get that number even higher.

 

I mean, they’ve been really trying; they are about as high as you can be.

 

But they think they can get even higher.

 

In a related story, I sat on my couch the entire weekend, watching the new season of “Orange Is the New Black” and absorbed potato chips through my fatty tissue.

 

I stay in because it’s scary out there. Even the cops are afraid.
They are arming themselves to the teeth with military grade weaponry and armored vehicles fresh from the battles in Iraq to occupy streets here at home.

 

In other firearm related news; the Seattle University student who tackled a campus gunman during a kill spree has had his wedding paid for by anonymous donors. The hero’s name is Jon Meis. Finally a celebrity that emerges from a mass shooting isn’t the murderer.

 

That’s progress, people!

 

Meanwhile… The NRA criticized members in Texas for bringing AK-47’s to family restaurants as part of an “Open Carry” protest. Do you know how far off the range you must be if the National Rifle Association is telling you to walk it back?

 

Please, Keep your guns in your waist belt, aimed at your dingus… so if there is a misfire, it saves us all from your cretinous offspring.

 

Now, I’m a collector of doomsday weapons and Uncle Sam will have to pry my Tesla death ray from my cold, dead hands. But I don’t wave the thing around at Denny’s!

 

The place where a man eats his “Moons over My Hammy” is holy land. Don’t be rude.

 

People like to tell you that ya can’t drink a beer with breakfast and to those folks I say… don’t tell me what to do. Because; when I crack open an ice cold Kenzinger Beer, from the Philadelphia Brewing Company, the nagging voices of a million naysayers are drowned out by the fizzy love bubbles in every bottle. Kenzinger Beer! The only family you’ll ever need.

 

That’s all for Scrapple News, I remain AP Ticker; drug addled and delirious but still tough enough to beat up your old man.

 

Scrapple TV News — Week of June 23, 2014.

 

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Brendan Skwire, John Zito, Steve Galley
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

 
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