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Obamacare, Ringling Brothers, Kanye West, Madonna [Scrapple TV News]

Screen Shot 2015-03-18 at 9.20.05 AM

From high atop the mystic mountains of Philadelphia, It is I, the killer of Elves, the righteous foe-hammer of evil,the sexiest pop pop alive, the one. the only…AP TICKER!!!! Bringing you tidings of woe and mystical tales of some deep heavy shit. But first, the news.

Obama administration officials say they are doing nothing to prepare for the aftermath if the Court strikes down Obamacare, leaving millions of people unable to pay for insurance. The Republicans are furious, and are demanding that Obama clean up their mess for them. But it looks like Obama’s taking a cue from Ringling Brothers, and has walked away from the elephants and all their shit.

Madonna says Kanye West is “the black Madonna.” I.. we… I just have nothing more to add to that. Except, if Kanye takes over the Daily Show, the white Facebook hive mind will IMPLODE.

Hey, lets play a game of Coincidence.

Coincidence? Obama vetoes the Keystone pipeline and ALL OF THE SUDDEN we get a proliferation of horrific train derailments.

Coincidence? The Saudi Arabian King Abdullah dies and then ALL OF THE SUDDEN gas prices start to rise again.

Coincidence. The Empire builds a death star and then ALL OF A SUDDEN the planet Alderann explodes.

I blame… Hillary Clinton, who got busted for doing her job as secretary of state over private emails. The public has a right to know if Hillary has ever done the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs or outrun Imperial starships, as she’s claimed.

Or whether she was simply trading pie recipes with Harrison Ford -see what i did there?- who crashed his millenium falcon into a LA golf course this weekend.

Finally, lets end this melange of old news and fossilized pop cultural references with a bit of good news.
A New Jersey man was told he cannot collect damages sustained while praying over a sizzling hot plate of fajitas at his local Applebees. The court ruled that prayer is not an option because once you set foot in an Applebees, you are acknowledging that God, in fact, does not exist.

All this jibber jabber is making me parched and I need to quench my thirst with a little taste of the uncommon, teeth cracking cold elixirs from the fine folks at The Philadelphia Brewing Company.
The Philadelphia Brewing Company Oh Heavens, this is some tasty shit here folks. Drink up and enjoy!

Well thats the news, I’m AP Ticker, i hope you enjoyed yourselves whilst I told these ribald tales of folly. Stay safe out there folks, keep your third eye open, and in the moments when you are feeling down in the dumps, think of me, with my warm gentle grin and twinkle in my eye, licking the back of your ear.

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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