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NSA, Elliot Rodger, Maya Angelou, California Weed Laws [Scrapple TV News]

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From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in Downtown Philadelphia, I’m AP Ticker and these are my hysterical portents of doom.

 

A list of the US citizens the NSA has been spying on, is set to be released to the public this week. Honestly, it would be easier just to list the people in America not being spied on.

 

I won’t even bother checking for my name, I know they’re watching me. If you could get arrested for suspicious google searches I’d be at a black site in cuba being waterboarded right now.

 

If you buy a pressure cooker online, they put your name on a list somewhere. I’m just a fan of slow cooked stews, chilis, and roasts. So, that makes me a terrorist to one of Uncle Sam’s intelligence analysts.

 

Speaking of mistaken identity, a Georgia infant is in a medically induced coma after police threw a flash grenade into the child’s crib while mistakenly serving a no-knock warrant. The police apologize for their zeal but insist the baby was a¬†technically a threat since it had started teething.

 

Meanwhile, a new California law would require police to return seized pot if the charges are dropped. Apparently there is so much marijuana piled up in the evidence room, that police officers are experiencing a “contact” high. The commissioner warned of a hackysack epidemic that could paralyze the whole department.

 

Reading Rainbow, the educational children’s show, is back after a successful kickstarter campaign raised one million dollars. God damn, that is a lot of tote bags. Unfortunately it doesn’t look like This Old House will meet their funding goals. Better luck next time, Bob Vila, try Indiegogo.

 

Speaking of failures, a dating coach from California is spamming videos posted by Santa Barbara Killer. His messages allege the shootings could have been avoided had the creep hired the coach. Because the first thing any dating instructor will teach you is, “Women don’t like it when you shoot them.”

 

And finally, we bid a fond farewell to one of the 20th century’s greatest poets. Maya Angelou died this week, aged 86. She had a cadence and timber unmatched by anyone in history. Frequently imitated but never duplicated; she will be missed.

 

If you’re looking to rekindle your lust for life, might I suggest a refreshing bottle of Kenzinger Beer. This killer taste from Philadelphia Brewing Company will make your summer longer and your shorts shorter. If it was Sunday and we were watching baseball, I’d be drunk already.

 

That’s all for Scrapple News. I remain AP Ticker; Arm Chair Philosopher from the year 5000.
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