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Kentucky Derby, Bryan Singer, Beer Burger, Bestiality [Scrapple.TV News]

Screen Shot 2014-05-08 at 12.53.53 PM

 

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Brendan Skwire, John Zito, Steve Galley
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in downtown Philadelphia, I’m AP Ticker; the heavy metal Master of Time and space.

In 2008, Former South Jersey cop Robert Melia Jr was caught videotaping himself having sex with cows, but the charges were dropped, thankfully, because bestiality is not a crime in the great state of New Jersey. It is, however, the first recorded instance of a pig fucking a cow.

Ivy league scientists have found that injecting young mouse blood into old mice rejuvenates the old mouse and reverses the aging process. Thats all it takes huh? The blood of young people to stay young…Finally all of those mooching orphans are good for something.

Speaking of cannibalising our young; big time director Bryan Singer, has been accused forcing young men into non consensual sex with hollywood-illuminati. Now that’s the kinda action missing from Superman Returns…that and a full refund

In Winona, Minnesota, a bachelor party bound for the Kentucky Derby found a decomposing dead body hidden in their rented RV.
It’s not a pissing contest but the final hours of my stag party were spent digging a mass grave for three jockeys, two horses, and a back alley vet named Shoefly..

Speaking of bad taste, hipster mecca, PYT is adding a “Beer Burger” to its menu. The sandwich features a fried wonton designed to blast hot Pabst Blue Ribbon down your gullet. Finally, a sandwich for people who don’t know how drinking works, but really enjoy Diarrhea.

For professional drunkards, might I ply you with some of the fine beverages of choice from the legendary Philadelphia Brewing Company? Perhaps imbibe on a bottle of this magical elixir; Kenzinger Beer, just one tiny sip will quiet the voices in your head. Six whole bottles will change your outlook on life.

That’s all for Scrapple News. Until next time I remain AP Ticker; three time Preakness Winner and celebrity stud.

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