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Iraq, Pepper Spray Drones, Nazi Guards, World Cup Fever [Scrapple TV News]

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From high atop the Scrapple News tower in downtown Philadelphia, I’m AP Ticker and this is five minutes of your life, you’ll never get back.

 

We begin in Iraq, where the U.S. installed government is under attack from fundamentalist rebels. In response, President Obama is sending 300 non-combat military advisors into Iraq this week. Because those who can’t do, teach.

 

Reports are coming in that Iraqi soldiers have abandoned their uniforms and gone home. Sounds like we’ve already learned them everything we know.

 

Maybe those fellas just need some Drone power like they kind we now have here at home. The newest model of unmanned death robots will disburse crowds by crop dusting them with pepper spray. Condiments are ok but it’d be nice if one of those drones dropped a steak and fries once in a while.

 

Just be sure you always eat 100% US grade A beef. Unlike the residents in one Austin community, customers of a local supermarket alledge they were sold mislabeled cow penis. Management apologized for not clearly explaining the sale on “spicy sausages.”

 

Speaking of acquired german tastes… A former Nazi concentration camp guard was arrested in North Philadelphia last week. “We’re shocked. We’re a nice family! ” said a remorseful family member. “We thought he was just a regular racist like everyone else in Philly.”

 

Philly’s always had an inferiority complex, but now we can say proudly we’re number 1… When it comes to “most corrupt states” in America. Our neighbors in the Dirty Jerz only made it to 20th… maybe that’s why Christie keeps making appearances with Tom Corbett. It’s not a campaign, it’s an apprenticeship.

 

We here at Scrapple TV would like to salute the work of local activists who lobbied city council to decriminalize marijuana in Philadelphia. Possession of less than an ounce is punishable by just a $25 fine. So, it’s time to celebrate. Smoke ’em if you got ’em, boys. Free at last. Free at last.

 

Finally, Americans everywhere are in the throes of World Cup fever! Brothers! Sisters! Join hands! …and pretend to understand how penalty minutes work.
Even if you find the game tedious but find it amusing witching Americans pretend to like the game, I say forget it, kick back with a refreshing Kenzinger Beer from the fine folks at the Philadelphia Brewing Company. So crisp and refreshing, it’ll shame any Bavarian brew. cause it tastes like ‘Murrica.

 

Well, that’s it for Scrapple News, I remain AP Ticker; beef penis magnate and marijuana scofflaw.

 

Scrapple TV News — Week of June 30, 2014.

 

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

 

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Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Brendan Skwire, John Zito, Steve Galley

 

 

Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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