Fracking Yellowstone, Octomom, Solar Flares, Wawa Store [Scrapple TV News]
From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in downtown Philadelphia; I’m N.A. Poe, In for AP Ticker, who’s off doing community service and here’s a headline sandwich with the crusts cut off.
We begin in Wyoming where Republicans want to frack Yellowstone. Party spokesmen explained, “If Old Faithful starts blasting 180 foot walls of flaming water people might finally visit a national park!”
Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, pleaded no contest to welfare fraud charges, given two years probation and ordered to serve 200 hours of community service. She’ll be done in no time, that’s just 13 hours per kid.
A Texas actress was sentenced to 18 years in prison after sending ricin-laced letters to President Barack Obama. Her attorney claims the assassination attempt was just an audition for a role on Breaking Bad.
A Japanese artist was arrested after sharing plans to sail a boat in the shape of her vagina. Officials aren’t particularly offended but are concerned about the surge in sightings of Humpbacks, Sperm Whales and a very horny Poseidon: God of the Sea. Meanwhile, in China, a 59-foot rubber duck created by a Dutch artist floated away and went missing from Nanming River after days of heavy rain. Officials are hard at work trying to lure the duck back, by filling the river with bubbles and fermenting it with bath salts.
Despite official bans on tiger poaching, wine made from exotic cats thrive in China’s black market. My guess is that ordering a Tiger bone wine just sounds cooler than asking for a white wine spritzer.
Republican Congressman Curt Clawson of Florida repeatedly mistook U.S. officials for members of the Indian government due to their ethnic surnames. To be fair, this isn’t the first time someone from the U.S. government has mistakenly called people Indians and treated them shittily.
NASA revealed this week that 2 years ago, a solar flare nearly destroyed the Earth. Better luck next time, Jesus! This sin wagon is just gonna keep on spinning.
On a sentimental note, Wawa plans to close its flagship store after more than 50 years. Thankfully the property will be repurposed as the Wawa Historical Museum, featuring a petrified Italian hoagie and the sarcophagus of company founder Grahame Wood. I’m just glad it won’t become another lame-o Sheetz. Viva la Wawa.
I celebrate Hoagiefest like I do Burning man: loaded on molly.
The next time you’re looking to lubricate a six inch stack of meat, do it with a life-altering Kenzinger Beer. The power cosmic trapped in every bottle will alter your internal chemistry, transforming you into a star child. From the Schuylkill River Wizards at Philadelphia Brewing Company, it’s Kenzinger Beer.
Well that’s all for Scrapple News. In for A.P. Ticker; I’m NA Poe, just another seaman, swimming against the tide, looking for love in all the wrong holes
Scrapple TV News — Week of August 4th, 2014.
Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller
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