Edward Snowden, Comcast/Warner Merger, Natural Gas Fracking [Scrapple TV News]
From high atop the Scrapple News tower in Downtown Philadelphia, I’m AP Ticker and this is is a term paper I wrote last minute… two inch margins and size sixteen font.
We begin with the largest nude photo leak in history. Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande and others have had their phones hacked and sexts made public. The FBI is investigating, they’re impressed and looking to hire.
It’s the biggest invasion of privacy since… well, every day the Government is reading your e-mails and watching your internet search history. Edward Snowden said that your naked pics are already passed around the NSA office. (that’s not a joke I didn’t make that up.)
But I guess now it’s happening to celebrities, so we’ll all pay attention.
Speaking of monolithic forces you can’t control; Netflix has asked FCC to stop Comcast/Warner merger citing ‘serious’ public harm. Comcast has argued that since it’s already a monopoly, a lil more monopoly won’t matter in the grande scheme. In the micro sense, you’re bills will skyrocket and your bandwidth choked. I hope you like watching youtube videos at 240p. We’re headed back to the stone age.
The people of Louisiana aren’t even at the top of the food chain anymore. The drinking water in the parish of Saint John has tested positive for brain eating amoeba. With allergy season right around the corner, health officials are warning people not to use their neti pots. Although, I dunno how anyone can voluntarily waterboard themselves like that…
Have you ever had amoeba; cajun style? It’s delicious fried up in butter and dipped in gluten. Mmmmm, soul food.
If you prefer your water tainted with natural gas then visit Pennsylvania where 243 wells have been contaminated by local Fracking Operations. New drill sites in Pittsburgh threaten to displace dozens of farmers. Now, I don’t work at Whole Foods, but nobody wants to eat an apple grown with toxic, flammable runoff.
Drill for oil in the ocean dammit. Nothing grows there.
Speaking of hidden ingredients… A Texas DA has dropped first-degree felony charges against a man accused of selling pot brownies. The prosecutor deemed the investigation a waste of time and dismissed the case after receiving a freshly baked cake from the suspect’s mother.
Now that labor day is over and summer has passed, that’s no reason to stop drinking outdoors. Make that fall day lil more autumnal with Philadelphia Brewing Company’s Newbold IPA. This is a beverage that’s PH balanced for an astronaut but strong enough to quench even your bloated, feculent sensibilities.
Well that’s all for Scrapple News. I remain AP Ticker; urging you to let go and move into the light.
Scrapple TV News week of September 8, 2014
Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller
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