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Douchey Tom Corbett

Tom Corbett

We begin with good news: Pennsie took in more money than expected…but that’s not going to stop Tom Corbett from cutting funds to higher education.

Who needs college? Not Philly, where the School District is on the brink of falling apart from Corbett’s 860 million dollar cuts, on top of costly missteps by the state’s School Reform Commision, which has controlled the district for a decade and has only made things worse.

The state proposes to fix its mistakes by closing 40 schools, cutting benefits and wages from teachers and staff, and putting much of the district in the hands of private nonprofits like Edison and other failed schemes. In other words, the MOVE strategy, but without an actual bomb.

Meanwhile, you have to wonder if a certain someone in Harrisburg likes to GLUG GLUG GLUG like I do. In the one teensy weensy itty bitty glimmer of light that comes out of the administration, Corbett signed off on Act 113, which modernized PA’s ancient liquor code by changing happy hour, take-out, and Sunday service rules. Which makes me…AP Ticker…happy, because…KENZINGER…so cold…so crisp…

The new law also allows small distilleries, like wineries, to have a tasting room and sell on premise without serving food, like breweries have to. Why the beer industry is singled out for this extra expense is unknown…although once the rivers are filled with fracking fluid, it won’t really matter anyway.

On a final note, I hope everyone had a fun and safe Cinco de Mayo. I know I did. I celebrated the way every red-blooded American should: by chugging a case of Kenzinger, swinging a stick at a piñata and pissing all over my front lawn. As a patriotic American, it’s how I show my love for our neighbors in the international community. If there’s a holiday to be celebrated, I’m there to get totally faced. Like St. Patrick’s Day when I harassed the neighborhood ginger kid screaming, “Where are you hiding the gold coins you Mick bastard!” I shook and I shook him!!!!!

Good times. But I should take it easy for a while; Bastille Day’s right around the corner, and I wouldn’t want to miss that.

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