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Chick-Fil-A, Ray Rice, Stephen Hawking, Burning Man, Joan Rivers [Scrapple TV News]

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From high atop the scrapple news tower in downtown philadelphia; I’m AP Ticker and this is the evolution of a species, one tragedy at a time.

We did it! We cracked the case; Jack the Ripper, london’s legendary serial killer, has been identified as a Polish hairdresser. Historians first became suspicious when forensic evidence revealed all of the victims’ had impeccable perms.

Speaking of burnt hair; founder of The Chick-fil-A fast food chain, has died at age 93. With his passing, new managment promise a more enlightened approach to homosexual customers. The same-sex-spicy-chicken-on-a-butter-roll will be available nationwide for a limited time.

Why is all the best food seasonal?

Fall brings us; pumpkin spice, colorful leaves, knit scarves, and football. America’s 3rd or 4th most violent professional sport.  I’m not so much interested in meat heads belly flopping on one another but I do love day drinking.

Ray Rice, of the Baltimore Ravens, has been suspended indefinitely after surveillance footage caught the running back punching his fiancee. Rice’s actions are deplorable but for the record the NFL is otherwise OK with murder, drug abuse, date rape, dog fighting, flagrant racism, tax evasion and driving under the influence.

And you thought Hockey was hard to understand.

If you want a better idol than a guy who catches leather eggs; look no farther than noted pussy magnet, Stephen Hawkings. The original winner of the ALS bucket challenge has warned that the Higgs Boson particle could implode the universe in 1,000 years. But since all of us will be dead by then, no one seems to care.

Heck, the human race barely has fifty years left on this mud ball. What’s gonna get us? My guess is germs. Right now thousands of people are dying of ebola in Africa.  Things are so bad the US military is mobilizing to aid in the war against disease. It’s expected to go as well as the wars on drugs, poverty and crime…

In crazy hippie news, a gigantic rainstorm is preventing Burning Man attendees from getting to the festival. It’s also providing them with the only shower they’ll take this week.

And finally famous comedian and cosmetic surgery enthusiast, Joan Rivers passed away last week. The E! Channel is planning a special Fashion Police episode to critique her funeral shroud. Plastic flowers can be sent to QVC, care of the costume jewelry division.  
If you’ve given up on life, allow me to suggest a little rocket fuel to light your afterburner.  It’s Newbold IPA from the road warriors at Philadelphia Brewing Company. This high octane beverage has more horsepower than an actual horse and it tastes better, too.
Well, that’s it for Scrapple News. I remain AP Ticker; one man wandering a post-apocalyptic desert searching for remnants of humanity, surviving on hope alone.

Scrapple TV News week of September 29, 2014

Scrapple News written by:
Scott Colan, Steve Galley, Brendan Skwire, Alison Zeidman, John Zito
Shot by: Marc Brodzik
Edited by: Andrew Geller

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