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AP Ticker’s [ScrappleTV News] Extinction of Mankind


ScrappleTV News – week of March 31, 2014.

From high atop the Scrapple news Tower in downtown Philadelphia, I’m AP Ticker and this bitter swill of depressing noise is a little something we like to call; the news.

We begin beyond the infinite universe, where researchers have discovered proof of the big bang. You’re not going to understand the math, so just take my word for it. The new evidence suggests we live in a multiverse of endless variety where all possibilities exist somewhere. This means it’s a scientific fact that on some distant world I’m dating Emma Stone… Don’t get too jealous, there’s a universe where you’re dating Emma Stone, too. Just as strange, there’s a universe where Emma Stone doesn’t exist at all.
Luckily there’s also a universe of nothing but Emma Stone’s…. Science is amazing.

Just because there are countless Earths out there, it doesn’t mean you can wreck this one. According to a recent study, extreme weather caused by global warming, is driving mankind to extinction. We’re all gonna starve or die of thirst or disease while our coastal cities get washed away. This is depressing. It took a god damn meteor to wipe out the dinosaurs; that’s a punk rock way to die. We’re being taken out by melting ice… the soft rock of extinction events.

The only thing worse than being lame is being poor. So, in the slums of Brazil, More than 1,000 armored police forcibly removed homeless vagrants, just 74 days before the World Cup. The shanty town in question sits between Rio and the airport, making it a dangerous eyesore to rich white tourists who come to spend money on pricey sugar drinks and reasonably affordable ladyboys.

In my neighborhood if we wanna get rid of someone, we do it the old fashion way; with technology. Introducing, the “mosquito” an anti-vandal device that emits a high pitch tone, inaudible to adults but terribly annoying to teenagers.This newly discovered sound brainwashes ne’er-do-wells to vacate the area, give up their dreams, conform, seek a soul crushing job with shitty benefits and never question anything…

We’re kidding, of course, because nothing can motivate America’s youth, except the chance to commit murder and mayhem. Why here in Philadelphia…There was a shooting outside of Chester High. A student beaten with a brick at Temple U. Not to mention Bartram High’s disciplinarian being KO’d by a 17 year old kid. Trying to get an education in Philly is dangerous business. If the other kids don’t get you, the crappy cafeteria food will.

Whether you’re suffering from crippling debt, police brutality of multi universal armageddon; cure what ails ya with a teeth cracking’ cold, Commonwealth Cider. From the good folks at the Philadelphia Brewing Company, it’s the adult beverage all the sexy people are talking about. Enjoy it legally, and in staggering amounts! That’s all for Scrapple News. As always I remain AP Ticker, adjunct professor at the school of hard knocks.

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